Day 20 n 21 - When will I workout?

I know what I must do. I cannot worry, as if the worrying will take care of the feeling of inaction. Action will cure the fears caused by inaction. I have been saying I need to lose the weight. Why? Because it will change the way I feel about myself. It will erase my self doubt. It will prove I can accomplish anything, and from there I move forward. I will not think, "Well, will the what if, the rejection feel so bad I don't want to"....do anything. This, is what insecurity feels like; I need to do this, but how will I be looked at if I do so? Is looking bad worth it?.....Often it is worth it, to go and try.
Thank God that I have confidence and a lot of stubbornness. You can be insecure while having confidence. Your saying, "That's an oxymoron." Yes, I suppose it is an oxymoron. The very word insecurity hints that its' victim lacks confidence. Is it cockiness I'm referring to then? Whatever Adverb/adjective you would like to use, the point is that for me my weight has always, in my mind, held me back. It has created a sense of shyness where there needn't be one. Those who know me would hardly call me shy though. There is something that people who feel this insecurity often do; they learn to balance overcompensation between normality as they view it, and how they are actually feeling.
I let a bout of soreness shake me for two weeks now. I am hitting rock bottom. I have realized what I must do. I must stop stressing out, take the bar/restaurant job and dare it to define me, because I will not have it. While I take 10% from my earnings to pay myself first, something I know I should have always done but haven't, I will workout and achieve personal satisfaction. I will sing and act, and seek mentors and teachers, not being afraid of their criticism or rejections. I will define my life this way. I will treat myself to things while being allowed the privilege of cheap rent at my grandmothers, but I will also save. I will be conscientious but not worried. I will take a problem by the balls and dare it to deal with me. I will be damned if someone takes this revelation's driving spirit from me because if I allow that to happen, I will never be happy.