Day 36 - tired

I woke up early and went right back to bed. My lover-bug is sick, and I woke up feeling crappy too. I'm hoping the sleep will fight all this cold-nonsense off. Day 36 and I weigh 183 llbs. I've lost two pounds so far, but I feel stronger. Progress is a beautiful thing.

Day 35 - rough

The workout last night was rough. I have asthma, and my lungs didn't like me for the sudden hard-core attitude. I'm not too sore. I credit that to drinking alot of water. I had to pee literally every hour.
The more I read about food, healthy living, and metabolism, the more it seems daunting. There are chemicals all around us. They effect us in ways we couldn't have imagined. I fear that my generation is in for the worst shock of all. We are all so tech addicted. Its frightening thinking about all the pesticides and genetically altering foods that we ingest without giving it a second thought. DO YOUR RESEARCH, or you might become a research project. I mean it. I'm reading some scary stuff. You think your health is expensive now? Wait until you have some real health problems, then you'll really be crying about costs. Take care of yourselves now. Sure we know these things, like fast foods, are bad for us. But do we know how bad? Its pretty frightening. Oh and those chemicals not only endanger our bodies, making us more susceptible to disease, but make us fat too. Great. Jillian Michaels' book, How to Master Your Metabolism, does a great job of breaking down all these fears into fact.
Anyway, its looking close to getting back to work. Then, once paying bills again, I will focus on the band and my solo career.

Lesson in Leadership

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW8amMCVAJQ
Take 15 seconds and learn something.
If this doesn't make you smile, I'm not sure what's wrong with you. It's a true testament to our nature and it should inspire you to be more of who you are at all times. Watch now.

Day 34 - Don't let anything get in your way

I watched a brief interview online today. The mother of the "overnight" star of the movie Precious is actually a long time performer. She makes a living, supporting her children, from singing in the subway! How about that! And by the way her voice is amazing. Although she describes her journey as a struggle, look how inspirational she is to her daughter. The film has been nominated for over 5 awards and I'm fairly sure the star's mother will no longer have to worry about where the money is going to come from.
It got me thinking, to say the least. I have had a dozen "ideas" about how to promote my band etc, but I have to admit that its easier to stand in front of three other musicians than on your own. When I think of mirroring this mother's success, I think immediately who can I get to go to the nearest Bart station with me. My mind is all over the place. "Steady income" doesn't exist, says my heart, but my brain says "bills, bills, bills". But hey, hold on, what's the worst that could happen if we stop paying our bills. Will they take us to jail? Will they shut off the electricity? Perhaps, but didn't we once live without electricity? Didn't we once live without cell phones? Hasn't there been research suggesting cell phones even cause cancer? I'm not saying become like Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild, but maybe we're all waaaaaaaayyyyyy to stressed by our own demise? It will be ok. Humanity has survived famine, plague, holocausts, stupidity, cruelty, the horrible list goes on and on. We have endured enough to learn new ways to pay our cell phone bills.

Day 33 - The getting up part

I'm not sure what it is. I'm tired, for no real reason other than going to bed late. I feel just out of commission. I'm sick of answering online Craigslist ads for jobs. I'm starting to realize I'm going to need to be aggressive about finding a job I like. I haven't really put much effort into finding work leg work wise. I know that face to face has a lot more impact on the hiring process than online. However if you are contacted via online, obviously you got your foot in the door.
Mostly, I need income right now. I figure finding something part time in the mornings would give me time to book my band. I don't want to get caught up in the serving industry again, meaning more hours = more moolah at a restaurant. I want to just barley be able to pay my bills so I have a reason to hustle for work in entertainment.
The other current concern? My car. Because without transportation I'm potentially really screwed. Almost all of these worries are fueled by lack of income. However, last night a funny thing happened. When I took my BF out for sushi, I realized I should chill. I will be fine, I thought. I am blessed to have a grandmother is understanding enough to let me live rent free for a bit, until I can get on my feet. I have a boyfriend who wouldn't let me go hungry. Yes! It sucks that I will have trouble taking care of myself but worst comes to worst I will find a way! I have always been a survivor. I have always pursued and achieved my goals. Nothing is going to get in the way of that. Nothing.
Lets get into perspective though, shall we? Its day 33. Out of 33 days I have been out of bed before 11 am ...8 days..that's only 24%. Its safe to say I could step that up. I just love sleep, but maybe I would love getting more done in a day. Now out of 33 days I have been to the gym or completed a good workout 11 days out of 33. That's a 33% rate. Okay so I'm only 20% done with my challenge. I have a ways to go and enough time to turn this around.

Day 31 and 32- Slacking on my Macking

Yep. I went over my chart to see if I could deduce the minimal results and I think its pretty obvious. I'm half committed. I don't go to the gym everyday and I'm not counting calories. When your used to eating out and you've never counted calories in your life it can be more of a challenge then you think to lose 30 pounds. I will state the positives however, before this challenge I was paying for a gym I only visited maybe once every month on average. I also drink way more water. I am learning more about my body and health. I am developing an understanding of what it takes to be fit and how my body responds to working out. Gila, my guitarists mother ran up to me at the show the other night and was like "let me feel your legs". I was like "what?", as I laughed when she started feeling me up. "I want to see how firm your getting from your challenge?" I explained how I was frustrated because I had only lost a pound and she said "oh that's how it works". I don't know, it gave me a boost.

Day 29 and 30

The show was awesome last night. I had trouble hearing on stage but so many of our friends and family said it was the best show. Shay was great to have there. He was very supportive and when a sound problem occurred, he was on it. I'm still not sure whats up with this Afton ticketing company. I'm going to investigate and do my best to get out money.

Day 28-Weekend Blues

So I'm sitting here unable to relax, finishing up my taxes and I'm thinking, Gosh What is going on. I have only lost 1 pound so far. I am discouraged about jobs. How can I not be excited about this show tomorrow? I mean, we sold 28 tickets in two days!! Shouldn't I be super juiced about that?! Maybe because this booking company, Afton Ticketing, seems like a joke. They are the ones that Aaron booked the show through. You can't even get a hold of anyone live on the phone. They only answer your questions via email and they are not immediate about answering back. I am frustrated. I think I said that already, but I really am. The real irritation is knowing I can't do anything about work until Monday. Monday, it seems is going to be a long day.
I also have homework to do and I just don't want to do it. Now what? Gym? Why so I can lose one pound in two weeks. I'm def not doing something right.
At least drinking water has become a good habit.

Day 26- the hangover

ok...so the more later I said yesterday...is the more today.....if you feel me....I am not even really coherent at the present moment yet I find myself typing, trying to get my blog done. I woke up dizzy then slept a little more, still dizzy but when I stood up it was all good. I am just very out of it. Strangely, I'm also very angry and irritated over nothing but my boyfriend's presence this morning....lol...poor guy he didn't even do anything. Lately I have just been irritated I guess. I wonder what last night did to my body really. I know I should chill but I'm actually motivated to get stuff done. Weird. You would think today I would want to be lazy. I think because the show was so good yesterday and we've gone from 0 to 18 tickets in two days has me amped.

Day 26- Thurs Promo

Promo show today at Sj State was......awesome, hectic, educational,worth it! I learned some valuable lessons. Every show and venue is different. So every time our band ventures out to do something new, I learn something about the business, performance, and professional side of the music industry. I've learned the questions you ask when you put something together like a gig will make or break the event. For instance, no one at SJ State bothered to mention that even if we had the space reserved until 2pm the cut off time for band music was 1pm. Don't get me wrong the staff was friendly and helpful when we arrived but details that I had not known to ask about, caused some major issues. All in all though...we stopped college kids dead in their tracks. Another half hour we would have had a crowd of 50. We had 25 for our short half hour amphitheater performance. So anywho, I am proud.
Also I am proud of myself. After I got home I was...mostly responsible.....ha ha.....I mean first I did my homework, then I went to the gym. I was happy especially I fit into a workout. Oh and by the way performing professionally and working out are cousins. Ya dig? I am learning you cannot be out of shape and be the lead singer in a regularly performing, up and coming band. You could actually not workout, but you would suck. The amount of energy, breathing, movement, and stamina needed to put on a kick butt show is staggering. I notice to when I work out its easy for me to sing correctly, ie breath deeply from my diaphragm.
Now later......I got all gussied up because it was Chase's birthday today too, and he was having a party over his house. Chase is our band's guitarist. I was feeling pretty confident after the gym. I even recorded a 9 out of10 on my confidence scale that I sometimes list on my chart for this challenge. I like recording how high I feel my confidence is from working out so I can remember how much it improves my mood and self esteem. More later......

25 - ok wow...keep your head up

I did not get unemployment. I did not get hired for the restaurant I recently interviewed for; I was so sure I would. I haven't had a single gig from the Children's Entertainment company I work for. The big show is Sunday and I'm out two promoters for the promo show tomorrow. What will Regina do? I have called 6+ people so far to see if they can, very last minute, come help. I guess worse case scenario we will play our music over a cd player while on breaks and sell tickets in between sets. You know for all the people I know you would think someone wouldn't be busy tomorrow. I should have planned this better, I know. I just think hey I'm not the only member of this band, maybe just maybe, they'll already have thought of this stuff and planned it without me. Errrr wrong. (So very frustrating). Aw stress, how we can't get rid of each other; your addicted to me and I can't get out of feeling you.
What a challenging month mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am about at rock bottom, but that's good because you can only go up from the bottom. Right? Right. I am keeping hope alive and believing in prevailing.
On another note, I keep forgetting to weigh myself in the morning, but I feel thinner. :) Working out will do that to you. It also has taken some of the edge off of all this ridiculous stuff.

Day 24- Time flying

So its a depressing day, but it shouldn't be. Its absolutely gorgeous outside and I have no excitement, at least not enough to propel me back outside again today. I just woke up pissed off. I don't get it. I need to workout earlier I think. I get so depressed when I fuck up a goal. I went to bed to late, I got up to late, missed a class again (!), and it makes me so miserable when that happens. When I work out, I'm happier, hence working out earlier, visa vi getting up earlier. Ok, on paper, or synthesized/internet formatted to look like, paper it sounds simple and easy. Outside of my perfect internet box, I am not living up to the standards that said typist has set.
On another note, the Avalon show is this week and we are getting down to the nitty gritty. Can she do it? Can I get my three stooges and mwah to sell all the tickets we need to in time? Will we play the show? Yes. We will play the show.
Also, I think maybe the depression is from the lack of incoming cash I'm used to. I am down on myself. I am learning that its not so much about the economy as it is about self esteem/confidence. I don't want to go back to serving, and then I decide I need to go back, and then....blah blah blah...its a bunch of self-defeating from there on....
Oh and when did Spring get here? I'm so unprepared for your arrival.

Day 23

I bought that Jillian Michaels book, How to Master Your Metabolism. I just started it. I feel spongy lately, ready to soak up any info I can get to, and I can also share with you. I am a little disappointed though. I'm disappointed because I'm still not sure what my source of income is going to be for the next few months. I was hoping that my tax return would help pay some much pending bills but I may end up owing! How did that happen!? I'm using that H and R Block at Home thing and half way through I realize their website offers it for free. No need to say I was pissed. Oh well, I'll just try to take the software back to Walmart. If I'm stuck with it, then I'm stuck with it and will consider it a learning experience.
So the big Avalon show is this Sunday. I didn't even realize it was this weekend. I better do some moving and shaking to sell these tickets. We have to have at least 25 before Saturday.
Also, today the workout was in my room. 30 minutes of non-stop, heart pumpin', sweatin to Hip-Hop. I may teach a class. :)

Day 22 -

My boyfriend and I have developed a bad habit. We go to bed extremely late and either get very little sleep trying to get up early or sleep in extremely late. Well, I sleep in more so than he does. He's one of those people with an internal alarm. Lucky guy, he can go to bed and be up at 9 am every day if he wants. I'm a little of track with the whole getting up early thing. True I'm hanging in and getting things done but If I had I had a serving job I'm not sure how it would work. I wait up for my boyfriend usually and when he works he's usually not getting home until 1am. Since last night was a holiday, he got home 1:30 am. It takes awhile to wind down from work. What am I going to do when I go back to work? How will I ever get on a steady schedule. My boyfriend said something to me a few days ago about flying by the seat of my pants and expecting him to catch me if I should fall. I guess the pressure I put on myself is also on him?

Day 20 n 21 - When will I workout?

I know what I must do. I cannot worry, as if the worrying will take care of the feeling of inaction. Action will cure the fears caused by inaction. I have been saying I need to lose the weight. Why? Because it will change the way I feel about myself. It will erase my self doubt. It will prove I can accomplish anything, and from there I move forward. I will not think, "Well, will the what if, the rejection feel so bad I don't want to"....do anything. This, is what insecurity feels like; I need to do this, but how will I be looked at if I do so? Is looking bad worth it?.....Often it is worth it, to go and try.
Thank God that I have confidence and a lot of stubbornness. You can be insecure while having confidence. Your saying, "That's an oxymoron." Yes, I suppose it is an oxymoron. The very word insecurity hints that its' victim lacks confidence. Is it cockiness I'm referring to then? Whatever Adverb/adjective you would like to use, the point is that for me my weight has always, in my mind, held me back. It has created a sense of shyness where there needn't be one. Those who know me would hardly call me shy though. There is something that people who feel this insecurity often do; they learn to balance overcompensation between normality as they view it, and how they are actually feeling.
I let a bout of soreness shake me for two weeks now. I am hitting rock bottom. I have realized what I must do. I must stop stressing out, take the bar/restaurant job and dare it to define me, because I will not have it. While I take 10% from my earnings to pay myself first, something I know I should have always done but haven't, I will workout and achieve personal satisfaction. I will sing and act, and seek mentors and teachers, not being afraid of their criticism or rejections. I will define my life this way. I will treat myself to things while being allowed the privilege of cheap rent at my grandmothers, but I will also save. I will be conscientious but not worried. I will take a problem by the balls and dare it to deal with me. I will be damned if someone takes this revelation's driving spirit from me because if I allow that to happen, I will never be happy.

Day 18- We're recording today

A busy month, a show on SJ campus 2/18/10 provided weather is good because its outdoors, recording today at LMC, Possible Valentines show pending negotiation today, 2/21/10 at the Avalon (still selling tickets), and a meeting coming up regarding a show in Somersville mall in Antioch. Everything is topsy-turvy for me. Every time I feel like I have a clear direction I get lost again.

Day 17

I don't like calorie counting but its essential to understanding weight loss isn't it? I weighed 185 llbs when I started, yet I looked at the scale and can't decide if maybe I read it wrong day 1. Today its says 185, three days ago it said 183. It seems like there's so much to remember to do though. Write down what you eat, weigh in the morning, 1st thing in the morning, only in the morning, drink more water than you ever have, don't forget to drink water, don't forget to write down your calorie consumption, oh, and did you go to gym yet?; Go to the gym now, maybe later...no, now. See its not a lot of fun changing your habits. I watched Jerry McGuire last night (which was great by the way), and one of the characters mentioned something about chemical, brain wave activity being so ingrained that change was almost impossible. True, its a movie, but change is hard. For cryin' out loud, they say it takes 21 days to change ONE habit. One. Well here goes 21 days and if I get as sore as the "Vicodin" day again....well I better just suck it up....as they say.

Day 16

Nothing to report really. Well that's not true at all. Its so funny how we let a bad day influence so heavily or the fear of a bad day. That doesn't really make much sense as I had a great day, I interviewed for a company. My mission statement for this blog was to find a job I love, be a weight I love and increase my happiness meter by, well a lot of points. I have discovered what is said and what is done is all we have in life. I repeat; what I say and do is all I really have. You can't really own any material item on this planet can you? Let us honestly acknowledge the planet is not ours but a rental until the universe decides to evict us and watch hundreds of human beings go white. This is a global economy they say. It was always a global place. It was us that decided to divide each other up into classes, colors, and condos (all of proportionate size regarding income). I was thinking of my dream house yesterday. Is it better to covet land or things? Big screen tv's, jacuzzi's, or ocean view, private gardens, both are obscenely priced. Who owns the keys to these gates? People like you and me that hustled a little more. That is my rant for the day.

Falling off the wagon (day 15)

It has been 8 days since I've worked out. I'm not sure if I should start over or just keep going. I will be going to the gym before class today. I also realize that if I don't get up earlier in the day I don't plan my day as well. I spent most of this past week stressing about band stuff. More and more I realize that the band members stress me out more than the actual band work. I may have to seek to remedy that situation one way or another. I love my band though, despite that some of my closest friends have given me advice to go solo. I don't feel ready for that. My confidence regarding a solo career is their but buried under past hurts and fears. This self-perpetuated challenge is meant to attack that. What I really need to do, in addition to the getting up early, working out, finding a job, etc; is to sit down and figure out my focuses this month. I will have to draw up that plan soon, before I get way off of the course. Wish me luck getting back to the task at hand today. The last time I challenged myself in the gym in challenged me into a depression for 8 days. I will assure myself now, that it will not happen again.

re; day 11

Yesterday was my boyfriend's day. We make sure to commit one day a week to each other as we both can be overwhelmingly busy. I had only heard of the Black Diamond Mines Regional Park and had a very vague idea of where it is. We stumbled upon it and wow, what a change from being in town. I absolutely can't stand Antioch, sorry its not my kind of place. Its a great place to get into trouble because there is really nothing to do as far as culture. You can imagine how many times my band has played around the local scene here.
We hiked, walked, jogged all around this amazing preserve. It was a breath of fresh air I could not have lived without. I am counting that as a workout. However my eating habits....well.....after my weigh in at the end of week one, I was discouraged. I plan on getting back to the gym and 1200 calories tomorrow. Still a ways to go.

Day 10 - Vicodin

Texted a friend/workout buddy that said even though your abs are on fire every time you move and you had to take a friggin Vicodin for pain this morning you can still do Cardio. So guess what I have to go do.... Yep, get into the gym tonight. Crap, thought I might actually get out of it.
Aside from the weight loss portion of my competition, me the only contender, the hunter/gatherer in me is overwhelmed. It seems like I'm never done with Craigslist, constantly looking for opportunities to sell myself, my band or my clients' talents. I'm the best juggler in Antioch I bet you.

Day 9

Well, I overslept and then I overslept some more. I asked my boyfriend to wake me up when he got back but he was behind too. Noon and I'm up. 8:30 is when the alarm was set for. Lost a few hours and I had this horrible dream. The dream was about Cheesecake Factory and it put enough fear back into me about that place to never want to wait tables again. I'm stuck between making enough to live comfortably and going for the dream at this point. Today is my unemployment interview. Aside from scouring Craigslist for jobs I'm interested in, I haven't the foggiest. I'm about to finish a two year sound engineering program and I hardly feel qualified to work in a studio. I have my own studio but its nothing like the few, the proud, and the still in business studios in the bay area. Do I have to spend thousands to get ahead? Wouldn't that being buying into everything that the wealthy of this country has sold us? Lets separate the wheat from the chaff shall we?